Damn, I’ve got goblins again.

Those filthy little buggers, living all nice and cozy in my walls. Even now I can hear them scurrying around, their tiny feet scratching and scuffing at the drywall. They've gone and scared my cat. I can just see his tail now, peeking out from over the top of my bookshelf. It's not his fault. After all, nobody likes having goblins. They're like tiny little in-laws. They show up without warning and won't leave till they're good and ready. Nobody at all knows why they do it.

There, I heard it again. I think there's one in my closet right now. Again a thump! That was the box of books shifting... And there! That was definitely a coat hanger clattering to the ground.

What are they up to? I know they're just biding their time, watching me from every nook and cranny they've gotten their ratty little claws into. It's what goblins do right? Wait, what do goblins do? Are they the reason my things have gone missing? First the tape recorder and my screwdriver set yesterday, then my blender and a package of twinkies this morning. Then they finished the milk and left the carton in the fridge. Who knows what else I haven't noticed yet.

What are they going to do with all of that anyway? What good is a tape recorder to a goblin? Are they going to set around in their little goblin cave, recording goblin curses in their skittering goblin tongue only to play them back again at double speed so that they sound like a bunch of chipmunks? Oh yeah, I bet they're getting a real good laugh out of it right now. Those bastards. And I was saving those twinkies too.

Or maybe they're building something. Yeah, I can imagine that. It would certainly explain the lab coat and goggles I thought I saw on that one hiding out in my garden shed. That makes sense. After all, I didn't really think that goblins cared all that much about making fashion statements.
I can just see the shed out of my bedroom window now, in fact, if I just lean over like so and... wait... now there are sparks coming out of the door? All blue and flashy and whatnot. What the heck are they... are they welding something? Bloody hell, and I thought termites were bad. Now look, I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me but I'm going to have to go and put a stop to this. Really, I think that this has gone on farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr nowstopthatlijne; letgoofmeyoulittlena;ldf ohdamndamndamnljafla nodontnononobitingnoOHBUGGERlkja;l

The little bastard just bit me! I can't believe it. One of those little bootscrapers just tried to make off with my keyboard and, oh god, I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding from my friggin' hand. What if I come down with something now? Oh, for crying out loud, I could have rabies! And how am I going to explain that to my family, huh? "Oh yeah, I was just writing out an e-mail, minding my own business when a goblin, yes, a goblin. You know, small, green, big ears... Well yes, he may have only been small but, wait, are you laughing at me? But he had teeth! Teeth!"

Yeah, that'll go over really well and, do goblins even have rabies? Cause I know a guy who just last year... no, wait, you're right, not the point.

It just makes me so mad though. They think they can get the best of me? They think they can just come into a fellow's house and make off with some of his best swag? Haha, I don't think so.

I've got a flyswatter here and there's a can of Raid under the counter. As soon as I can find my bathrobe I'm going out there to the shed to give them a little piece of my mind.

Yep, as soon as I'm decent, ohhhhh, those bastards are gonna get it. I'll get them so good they'll wish they were never-


...wait...


where's my robe?